Vega Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup: $1.99/Whole Foods

The chocolate Vega Snack Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup bar is awesome; sadly, the peanut crunchy “guts”, not so much. They come together in an okay way in its aftertaste, but not in an enjoyable enough manner that I’d make the effort to get to Whole Foods to buy it again. I don’t follow any particular eating habit, belief or diet I really just try to eat well, eat often, and exercise often. So vegan, paleo, gluten-free, low-carb, whatever a bar’s shiny promise, it’s all OK by me as long as it tastes good. For this 200 calorie “snack” as the package promises, I would be adequetly full between meals, just not with the best taste left in my mouth and belly. The texture and bite are too peculiar and in need of more peanuts.

Vincent Vega would probably eat french fries dipped in mayonnaise instead of a bar with his name in it. I would probably choose french fries dipped in Kroger’s generic but stupidly delicious Sriracha-spiked mustard. And if I sent this bar in Joanna’s backpack to school, it would probably be met with disapproving clucks and tsks and tuts since peanuts are such a touchy ingredient to be floating around an elementary school, but that didn’t stop the recent Valentines Day shoeboxes from coming home littered with crumpled wrappers and melted blobs of nut-dotted goodies. Am I on another planet to think that it’s up to parents to ensure that their children know not to swap food or to eat anything that they’re allergic to? It’d be awesome too for parents to check their kids’ heads for lice more frequently. God forbid we go through another traumatic round of lice in our house, but lately Joanna’s been coming home with a “lice check” sheet in her backpack. I’m glad that the school is checking the students, but I’d rather the kid with those vomit-inducing kernels of squirming egg-laying itchiness have stayed home in the morning in the first place. I always take a sharp breath, cringe, and hold my breath as I comb, part and braid Joanna or Louise’s hair in the morning, and only release my breath when I see no movement. I just don’t think I can endure another lice episode, so I instead choose to wrangle her hair into ponies, braids, piggies using clippies, bandies, hair jobbies and woopdondles. Because every time one thinks of chocolate peanut butter cup-flavored snacks, Valentines Day or Pulp Fiction, his or her brain inadvertently roams to thinking about lice. Gross. 2/5

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