Luna Protein Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: $1/Kroger

Sup, I’m going to drop some sad rectangle nostalgia. I never want to be told that I have to “fast” nor that I’m “fast”, unless I’m, I don’t know, playing tag or trying to dodge an incoming dodgeball. And I suppose I wouldn’t want my chaste image to be tarnished by being referred to as “fast”, although being a recent (and brief) subscriber to Tinder, I imagine the recipients would appreciate that type of fast. But being directed by a doctor that I have to fast; the horrors! I know it’s only one night followed by a painful morning where black coffee sits like a black lump on an empty stomach, but I had a bloodwork fast last week for a check-up, and despite that the doctor’s office told me that when their lab opens at 8 a.m. they’re crazy busy and they recommend coming at 9, I showed up at 7:30, slapped my name on the sign-in clipboard and proceeded to gaze longingly into my purseful of bars, one of which was Luna Protein Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. I chose this bar in particular due to the memory of Louise’s birth nearly over 3 years ago (how it’s gone that fast – a definite instance where I abhor the adjective – I have no idea.) Having HELLP Syndrome with Joanna’s birth gave me the wisdom, terrifying as it was, to realize that what was mistaken as heartburn could very well have been my liver failing again, so in the more recent childbirth case, I went tearfully to my doctor who said they couldn’t test my blood platelet count as my insurance would only allow for a 3-4 business day turnover for labwork results, and instead, they casually told me to go to the hospital. Waiting there for several hours (despite my continual reminder to the nurses that maybe, just maybe they should rush my bloodwork in case it was HELLP again?), I sent Joanna’s father to the console in my car where a Luna Protein Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough bar awaited me. Inhaled it, and not long afterwards was told yes, it’s time to have an emergency birth, but WAIT, disapproving cluck from the doctor because I now had food in my stomach and therefore, they couldn’t anethesize me. My eyebrows were literally “Sup, hubbawaaaa?” that they’ve decided that since I ate that blasted Luna bar, they would deliver Louise NOW with an epidural and (to my disappointment) another c-section.

So a disapproving cluck of the phlebotomist at Louise’s HELLP birth now makes me thinks of Luna Protein Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough bars, and fine, they are freaking awesome. And while I supped my way through one last night (don’t finger-wag me for having to eat a bar for dinner – these things are filling and I had alot of twirly on-the-go goings’-on) I remind myself that my girls are awesome, and if I have heartburn these days, it’s probably due to over-indulging in fried generic bar food when I’ve given into the very random Tinder meet, and not from HELLP, and that anything “fast” about me is probably just how fast I eat food. 5/5

Categories: Luna

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