Ansi Cheesecake Chocolate Peanut Butter: $1.99/Whole Foods

Ansi Cheesecake Chocolate Peanut Butter bar is so dense it leaves pronounced teeth bite marks just like the mold that you bite into at orthodonist or dentist (do they still use those?) for marking your teeth wonkiness. After years of retainers (many of which my Mom had to dumpster-dive for at McDonalds when I threw the glittery transluscent pieces of wire-wrapped expensive tooth-adjusters into the trash from my nugget honey-stickied tray.) Giving up on retainers to wrangle in my crazy chompers, I ended up with braces, super-cool in my coordinating rubber bands to whatever holiday or seasonal time of the year it was. All from sucking on two fingers as a kid. And when everybody looks at Louise and says “awww how cute!” at her self-soothing method of sucking on her front two fingers, all I see is possible years of dental fixes. She refused to take a “foolie” or a pacifier as a baby despite us actually trying to make her like one. So no visits from the “foolie fairy” are in her future, like we did with Joanna. Perhaps I’ll have to take my Dad’s evil approach on me and put a few drops of hot sauce on her fingers to see if that’ll curb her finger-sucking.

I don’t think even a few drops of Texas Pete (my go-to food-lube for just about anything) would improve this cheesecake bar. I’m already not terribly fond of actual cheesecake – I think the last one that I had was at a work function when somebody ordered take-out from Cheesecake Factory and spread a variety of flavors of gigantic wedges of cheesecake across the conference table.  I like cheese, I like cake, and I like peanut butter, but this bar’s texture was terrible on my teeth and the flavor wasn’t mind-blowing. Instead, I’ll make a grilled cheese with Texas Pete, and see if Louise wants a bite. 2/5

Categories: Miscellaneous

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