Quaker Chewy Birthday Cake: Kroger/Box of 6/$1.99

quaker_bdaycake (3)I don’t follow birthdays well at all, so I appreciate that my phone bleep-blorps when it’s somebody’s birthday via Facebook. Today was one of those days when my cell stacato’ed across the counter with 3 back-to-back birthday reminders. After responding with as heartfelt of b’day wishes as I could muster when every other comment starts to resemble the one that preceeded it, I am now subject to more bleep-blorps of other people who are also commenting with their natal-niceties. It reminds me of the Garfunkel and Oates “Happy Birthday to my Loose Acquaintance” song, and with my birthday right around the corner, I can look forward to others receiving a bleep-blorp birthday buzz, but hopefully not until my feet are on Athens grounds enjoying my annual AthFest birthday weekend. And like every other AthFest where I alternate between water-coffee-beer to ensure a responsible only slightly-buzzed day, I have to maintain stomach-space for copious street food ingestion, by eating dainty, non-filling bars, like a Quaker Chewy; small, portable, and illusory in their ability to do anything but taste good on the teeth and providing no substance to the guts.

Chewing a Quaker Birthday Cake granola bar in no way makes me think of actual birthday cake. That spongey yellow floofy cake from a box smeared with a can of chocolate frosting. I used to be a sucker for yellow cake with chocolate icing until one day when I was pregnant with Joanna and I made a 9X13 such cake and finished the entire thing over the course of a single day. When I see yellow box cake with chocolate frosting, my stomach immediately shuts down.

On both her and Louise’s first birthdays; however, I made “hippie cake” – a dense, heavy, brown baked thing, full of zucchini, carrots, wheat germ, flax seed, oats, raisins soaked in boiled apple juice, and as grody as it sounds, actually quite good. If I unwrapped a Quaker bar and its flavor was “Ticia’s Hippie Cake” I’d be pleasantly surprised. But in the case of its actual flavor being called Birthday Cake, it is exactly what one would expect: cloyingly sweet with Quaker’s usual oat chunks, a smattering of white chocolate chips, and rainbow sprinkles. It tastes like Chapstick’s Birthday Cake lip balm – I’d bought a 3-pack for stocking stuffers that didn’t make their way into stockings (fishnet or otherwise), so now I have those to schmear on my lips. And the rest of the box of Quakers will either be a treat for Louise, or broken into chunks and eaten over vanilla Greek yogurt whilst humming the “You’re the birthday boy or girl” song from The Simpsons. 1/5
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