Health Warrior Chia Chocolate Peanut Butter: $1.49/Whole Foods

healthwarrior_chocpc (4)I bought what my peepers mistaked (mistook?) for Wealth Warrior Chocolate Peanut Butter, a dainty four-bite treat that tasted like a whole lot of lightly-sweetened bird-seed nothing, which is kinda my level of wealth right now. My 20th high school reunion was this past weekend and I was polishing the prose that I would weave about my wealth only because I’ve watched enough cornea-searing diamonds flashing in Facebook pictures with azure waters, perfectly-coiffed matching children, and bronzed-cheeked husbands on the reunion page. The several-times-a-day reminders to not only buy your pricey tickets but also donate (in the suggested amount of the year that we graduated) had my wallet feeling less than wealthy. But I put on my warrior-paint in the form of department store makeup consultant’s assistance and tried to at least look awesome. The last time that I paid a department store cosmetic gal to tart up my face was about 10 years ago and I looked like I’d been troweled with Halloween costume clown kit grease. Like a tranny and not in a good “dammmmn he’s got better legs than me” tranny way. I’d like to say that both wealth and warrior were in my favor last weekend, despite the less than pleasant weather circumstance (cold rain in May?) I tucked a small bar, maybe one with more flavor than the Health Warrior one, into my ridiculously small clutch since the food trucks didn’t roll up to the reunion party locale til much later than this early-eater dines. And when the questions came rolling out “Live? Married? Kids? Job?” I had no idea how to condense freelance Ebay antique resales and protein bar funtimes author and Mom extraordinaire and my latest gig, parttime real estate assistant for film location scouts into a tidy title, so I settled for the subject-changing smiles, all the while responding to too-many-to-count mispronounciations of my name. Food truck shrimp drenched in a dixie dunk of spicy remoulade and a side of jalapeno margaritas were a much tastier alternative to a Health Warrior Chia bar, but I can’t tuck shrimp n’ dips n’ cocktails in my purse. 1/5
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