Pure Protein Chocolate Deluxe: $1.50/Kroger

pureprotein_chocdeluxe (3)

I had a coupon for Pure Proteins during my last Kroger run, and oh wait hold up as I go spit this down the disposal. Not exaggerating, I had to AFK and huck that piece that I’d just eaten into the sink. That was /speechless/. Gag. Ok, I will stop retching and use my words. There’s only so many times that I can say the same thing to Louise when she shrieks or squeals or squeaks for something “use your words!” As I swill coffee through my mouth to banish that flavor, Pure Protein is purely delusional is they think this “deluxe” flavor is anything but disappointing. My disposal even grumbled when I turned it on. The flavor and texture are all wrong. It can join the sad and scared stinkbug that horrified Joanna last night. I was hovering over her as she sat at her laptop about to start an assignment when she sniffs and asks coyly “what’s that bad smell?”, knowing full well that the likelihood that it was her was very high. Sure enough, leaning over to give her a whiff, she smells pretty stinky, so I joined her in her bathroom to help taking out her braids and clippies and hair jobbies, when all of a sudden she starts screaming. High-pitched, horror-movie, blood-curdling screaming. There is a stinkbug perched on her shoulder. After I swatted it with a wad of TP and lobbed it in the toilet, I did everything I could do to console her, but she continued to wail, cry, holler, and sob. Even after a shower, fresh pajamas, hugs, and reassurance that not only was the stinkbug on its swirly tumble through our pipes, and that stinkbugs neither bite nor sting, she continued to have a tearful case of the insect-willies. When you wiggly shiver your shoulders imagining that the bug is still on you. Tom began to record her on his phone til I quietly gave him the finger; despite her being overly-dramatic about her stinkbug trauma, there’s no way that she’ll ever want to see a video of herself crying over a bug. But now that smelly bug is possibly riding a chunk of Pure Protein bar like a chocolate dookie surfboard through our pipes. Sayonara stinkbug, peace out Pure Protein. 0/5
pureprotein_chocdeluxe (4)pureprotein_chocdeluxe (2)

Categories: Pure Protein

Leave a Reply