Simple Squares Snack Bar Coffee: $1.99/Whole Foods

simplesquare_coffee (3)A Simple Squares Coffee Bar is, as its namesake suggests, not rectangular. But I felt like a rectangular lego trying to fit a square lego piece when I was attempting to make sense of the bizarre situation that I encountered at the last coffee bar that I went to. Maybe it’s fitting a square person like myself into a round trendy coffee shop. Or a round screw into square hole. What does it all mean? Well let’s start with a Simple Square Coffee bar – it tastes like coffee ice cream melted into soup with praline bites floating in it having gone room temperature while making me think that the little bites are the tiny legos that I’m forever dodging around the floor of my living room. It’s a good bar but too small, too square, and the coffee shop that I was in was too large (gray industrial chic fluorescent feel, far from nest-worthy and cozy to inspire holding steamy mugs between two hands in between conversation, card game, or usually in my case, doodling) and trendy not-square.

It was evening. I asked for decaf black coffee and was told that this shop doesn’t brew decaf in the evening because nobody orders it but would I like a decaf latte? Well, if I’m not mistaken a latte is a frilly, frothy drink, and I asked for black coffee, but wait, wait WHAT? Decaf is only brewed during the day when people want it, but nobody wants decaf at night? I know that I’m not the studying student night owl that I used to be, drinking caffeine well through the evenings, but how could this COFFEE shop not brew decaf at any time of the day? With a flabbergasted shake of my head, I went with herbal tea that turned out to be so good, I had it the next time that I went to this same coffee shop — but to my embarassement (if not annoyance) the same girl rang me up and she clearly recognized me saying with a snarky eye-roll “are you SURE you wouldn’t prefer a decaf coffee?” In the voice of Michelle Tanner from Full House, “how rude.” And while I wasn’t able to share this small Simple Square Coffee bar with Joanna, I am able to share the wholesome sitcom hugs and chuckles that is the Fuller House re-boot, but after those two experiences at the unnamed coffee shop, I think I’ll be giving their customer service de-boot. 4/5

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