Atkins Lift Salted Caramel: $0.00/Kroger

atkinslift_saltedcaramel-3When I think of the word “lift”, I immediately imagine glossy catalogue pages promising your chest lift, plunge, definition, cleavage, and all the other boobjatives that are Photoshopped onto the model wearing an overpriced piece of fabric held together by flimsy straps, a stretch of wire, and tiny metal hook enclosures. Dare I say that I embrace my small-chested stature as I can get away without wearing said torture devices? OK so I can’t exactly embrace them, they’re pretty small, but I like saving money on not having to lift, push or pull.

So Atkins Lift Salted Caramel Crunch bars were in the diet aisle next to toothpaste (scratches-head) and their taste didn’t lift my spirits, but I guess they lifted the corners of my mouth into a smile as I had a coupon for a free one. But as I chewed through the strange texture, all that my teeth and tastebuds could detect was a flavor of caramel corn, those orange, yellow and white striped sugar-bomb traffic cones that maybe are available for purchase year-round, but only seem to be eaten or used in treat-crafts during the fall. Like the beak on a sugar cookie turkey. Or the eyes on a jack-o’-lantern brownie. Or if your bag lasts past Thanksgiving (which in our house, the treat jar gets full at one holiday, then a new holiday’s stack goes on top, pushing the old to the bottom where we’ll find squashed Valentine Hershey kisses come Christmas time – but evil laugh, the wrapper is red so I can still give them out), the carrot nose on a snowman cupcake.

I won’t lie – I sang Atkins’ praises when it was A Big Deal in the early 2000’s. I had packed on some college LBs and after graduating, heard word of a diet that allowed one to eat bacon, cheese, eggs, steak!! It sounded too good to be true, and while it worked for me in the beginning, like most folks, my hand fell into the proverbial carb-jar and weight crept back. Even if Atkins’ had offered bars, meal replacement shakes and frozen entrees back then, I don’t think I would’ve been able to afford them. But even today, I like a deal and while this bar didn’t cost me anything, it tasted way too much like a dieter’s stash of candy corn. 1/5


Categories: Miscellaneous

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