Power Bar Chocolate: $1.49/Kroger

powerbar_chocolate (4)Slippery, flattened and strangely “greasy” (I left the PowerBar Chocolate on a napkin and not only did gently tugging on it result in floofy bits of napkin sticking to it, it also left behind a translucent splotch, kind of like the way college girls used to press their napkins on the tops of their pizza slices in an effort to sop up some of the shiny grease. Suuuuure that reduced the calories in your pizza.) I shudder to say, but a Power Bar Chocolate bar looks like a dookie log. Tom and his roommates in college had several trendy (and grody) pets – two rats, one tarantula, and an iguana, a mean bastard named Steve who once pooped when I was sitting next to his cage then promptly swiped a back claw at it, launching the dookie log into my unsuspecting lap. This morning’s jog had me passing a red-lit window with a huge iguana silhouetted in its cage, and it made me think about saucy amphibians in a red-light district, hence the panty-clad lizard doodle. What I was wondering though was how the lizard would benefit from a red bulb lighting its cage? Maybe the color red has the opposite effect on an iguana than it does on a bull – perhaps it puts the lizard in a state of sweetness where it wouldn’t dream of nudging one of its brown bottom buddies into a human’s lap. I’ve seen some unusual things in lit windows at 5 a.m. when I’m jogging but a red-lit lizard was a first.

And I wish I hadn’t been thinking of lizards, Steve, and doodoo when I opened this hideously deformed Power Bar / Pooper Bar. The slick (and I don’t mean modern and sleek, but slick like oily in a way to leave that same sticky residue on both napkins and fingers) bar was difficult to unpry from the wrapper. It tasted like a block of baker’s dark chocolate melted in the sun and reformed into a somewhat-rectangular shape in a fridge next to a bag of limp celery. There was just a strange bitter greenish aftertaste that I couldn’t chase with coffee. The red “PowerBar” letters that are crinkly and greasy on the wrapper were balled up with a squashed wad of what was left of the bar just like the red light of the lizard window probably winked out as the sun came up and its occupant bleerily opened its beady eyes, followed by a satisfying morning BM in its cage’s floorbed of chips, newspapers, or bad bar wrappers. 1/5
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Categories: Power Bar

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