Belvita Soft-baked Oats & Chocolate: $3.99/Box of 5/Publix

belveetasoftbaked_oatschocolate (3)This is too soft-baked, and somehow too dry at the same time. Thick and poofy like a pillow and shaped like a Clif bar, but not nearly as tasty, nor loaded with anything close to the vitamins in a Clif. I’d much rather have a pack of the crunchy Belvitas than this squishy one, and there’s barely any chocolate to speak of. I’ve already gotten through 3 generous gobbles and none had a piece of chocolate, so it was like slowly chewing my way through a packet of dry instant oatmeal, which reminds me of a fantastic bribe-worthy picture I have of a high school buddy of mine absolutely obliterated in a pantry, torn-open packets of oatmeal strewn around and little brown bits of it stuck to his smiling cheeks.

Bars made w/ oats are great, but maybe I only like them when the oat chunks are held together w/ a lightly-sweetened sticky binder; this was really just like I said, a dry pillow w/ an occasional small taste of chocolate. As long as the sticky binder isn’t Velveeta which I always start thinking about whenever I eat anything Belvita. The only thing Velveeta (by which I mean the brick of “Processed Cheese Food” is good for is melting in a crockpot w/ Rotel and ground beef as dip – one of my friend’s growing up, Vanessa’s mom dubbed it “The Stuff” and we would make an entire meal of neon orange heart-attack sauce. Hahah I accidentally just typed “heartache sauce” first, and realized that that would be a really great name for a RomCom that would be so bad, it would be required to be on Mystery Science Theater. 2/5
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Categories: Miscellaneous

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