Kroger Soft-Baked Lemon & Poppy Seed: $1.99/Box of 6/Kroger

krogersoftbaked_lemnpoppy (3)My word Kroger, this is one ugly looking bar that is a sickly beige with clumps and dots, like the foam at the edge of a tidal pool that has brown spots of crab poop in it. It’s thick and heavy, but oh wait, my teeth close down on the first bite, and it’s not heavy at all. It’s like a lemon poppy seed muffin body from Atlanta Bread Company that was left on the counter all morning so it’s achieved a cakey, yet airy texture not quite bordering on stale yet. Not like an ABC muffin top that has that crusty circumference; just the guts. And the lemon/poppy flavoring is quite good too. I thought for sure that Kroger was trying to make a Nutri-grain knockoff w/ this spotted citrus-infused breakfast bar, but it’s way better than a Nutri-grain.

Thankfully the poppy seeds don’t taste like crab poop. And I’m pretty sure that the slippery, spotted patches where the waves lick the shore aren’t actually crustacean crap, but that’s just what my brother and I have always said. When I was a toddler, I’m sure I made my share of beach bombs in my diaper, but the best was in my childlike innocence and poor pronunciation, I shriekingly declared that I didn’t want to leave the OH-SHIT when my parents tried to carry me away from the ocean one afternoon. It is one of those stories that will always stick to me; the precocious princess in a daisy-dotted bikini yelling “OH-SHIT” across the serene sands of Kiawah Island. 4/5
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Categories: Miscellaneous

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